Sadly, ”The Real Housewives of New Jersey” is just not as interesting unless one of the adults is behaving badly.
This week’s episode was a case in point.
It began with the sixth birthday party for Antonia, the Gorgas’ daughter. Mama Melissa had ordered a bouncy house and a caterpillar tunnel and all that.
Across Montville at the Giudices’ abode, Teresa and the girls were getting ready for the party. When the girls learn that Juicy is not going to the kiddie party, Milania says to her dad, “You are so mean…You big poop.” Joe looks at her and after a pause asks what she just called him. “You big poop,” Milania repeats. And he just walks away. Hey, Juicy, what’s up? What about saying, “You don’t call your parents that,” or “I’m gonna take away your iPad,” or “No diamonds for your next birthday”? You want your daughter to grow up to be a table-flipper or something?
In the Manzo household, two story lines are beginning:
Lauren is going into business with her mother. She’s going to open a makeup store called Cafface. Lauren does not like the name, but mother Caroline is putting up the dough, so she has no choice. In this episode, they are looking at a space in Wayne. (The store is actually now open, in Franklin Lakes.) We learn that Lauren calls Caroline “bull dog.”
“I just feel that whenever I have an opinion, my opinion is always wrong,” Lauren says.
Back at the birthday party…..
Joe Gorga is telling his in-laws that he’d gone to therapy with his sister. “It was a horrible experience,” he says of the seemingly smooth and positive session we’d witnessed in the previous episode.
Fistfight at your baby’s christening, loud sibling squabbles at parties, sister telling you that your wife will leave you when she becomes famous — those things are what most people would call horrible experiences. But for these sibs, sitting in an office with a calm professional who essentially tells them to think before their mouths start spewing — what an ordeal. “Therapy wasn’t for us. I’ll never go again,” Joe says.
Teresa, we soon learn, doesn’t think that the therapist “likes me at all.”
Happily, though, both Joe and Teresa have latched onto the idea of reviving their Sunday dinners. But first, they have to get through Tonia’s birthday party.
Teresa pulls up in a white Mercedes SUV. The Giudices’ finances continue to be a wondrous thing, no?
Teresa crawls through the caterpillar tunnel, she and the Gorgas agree to the Sunday dinner thing and later, when Jacqueline arrives, there are no showdowns between her and Teresa. For this, Melissa is grateful. “Thank you, Jesus,” she says.
Nonetheless, she later tells Tonia, “Next year, we’ll do a beautiful, intimate tea party.” (Maybe she’ll cut the guest list to, say, 100.)
Now, let’s travel over to Wakile World…
Kathy, Rich, their kids and Kathy’s mom are awaiting the arrival of Rosie, who’s bringing a date home for dinner. It’s the woman she met at the gay bar in last week’s episode, the one whose name no one (except the RHONJ producers, apparently) can remember.
“First rule of thumb….remember a bitch’s name,” says Kathy. But at least she did compliment what’s-her-name. “She’s special, real pretty, great smile.”
The show’s editors did some cutting to other threads, but let’s stay with this one now.
Rosie arrives with Briana (yes, that’s her name), who runs a restaurant in the City. She wanted to be a pediatric cardiac surgeon, she says, but she’s too emotional.
Kathy tells the camera that she’s concerned things may be moving too fast. “I’ve heard that on a second date, homosexual women bring a U-Haul” (as in moving in together).
Rich then makes a comment to the camera about his hopes for Rosie’s relationship that cannot be repeated here.
Later, when Briana arrives, he makes an inappropriate but printable remark to her. “I heard you were hot, but… O-M-G.” (Note to Rich: Watch “Modern Family” and pay special attention to the Phil Dunphy character. It’s a lesson in how middle-aged-men-who-want-to-be-cool should NOT act.)
Albie Manzo also has a new girlfriend, Lindsey — a “professional football cheerleader” — and he’s gonna introduce her to his mother and sister at the surprise birthday party for his roommate, Greg. Albie’s nervous, because even if there’s nothing wrong with someone, “they’ll find things,” he says. (Lindsey Andrews is on the New York Jets Flight Crew Cheerleaders.)
Sister Lauren is already sharpening her knives. “There’s a lot of whores in Jersey,” she tells the camera. “I know what a whore looks like.”
Albie later tells the camera that everyone thinks mom Caroline is the girlfriend gatekeeper, but “Lauren is the one you have to get through.”
The party is at a gay bar, which gives Joe Gorga and Chris Laurita an opportunity to clown around again, pretending that they’re gay. It’s getting old, guys.
Caroline seems to disapprove of her 25-year-old son’s relationship. Even though Lindsey is “sweet,” she says, at this point in life, her son should be more concerned with his career (representing BLK water) than focusing on a girl.
We also learn that Chris Manzo has been friends with Greg since he was 16 and Greg goes for “juiced-up” Italian guys like Joe Gorga. And then Chris gets smashed in the face with the birthday cake, and everyone (except the bar’s owner, perhaps) has a good laugh. Wonder if it was a “Cake Boss” cake?
The other thread running through this episode involved an outdoor music festival called Beat Stock.
Melissa has an opportunity to sing at this year’s, but she’s nervous about it, because she’s seen people getting booed off the stage. She hires choreographer Cris Judd (who had worked with Michael Jackson and was once married to Jennifer Lopez) to help with her dance moves.
By coincidence (?), Gia Giudice is auditioning to be a dancer at Beat Stock, and her mother is embarrassing the heck out of her.
“Oh, my God, shut up,” she says under her breath when her mom calls out something inane from the sidelines.
Gia — who’s not a bad little dancer — gets picked. And so, the Beat Stock will go on.
All in all, it was a so-so episode, which drives home the sad reality of reality TV. Without the drama, it’s not very interesting.
The “Watch What Happens Live” that followed was much more memorable. Andy Cohen’s guests were Mike Tyson and Melissa Gorga (with husband Joe bartending in the background).
Melissa, asked whether shaky finances were behind the listing of her homes in Montville and Toms River, denied that, saying that, as a matter of fact, they’d gotten a full offer on the Shore house, but Joe decided not to sell it, because he didn’t want to let it go.
Tyson was hilarious, even though half of what he said was hard to make out and the other half had to be bleeped. He went on a rant about Teresa, wondering how she could “be bankrupt and live in a mansion.” He also opined that Teresa should pass the “RHONJ” torch to Melissa and Joe Gorga.
Tyson has surely made it onto Teresa’s enemies list. Watch your back, Iron Mike.