Wading through all the contrivances and ridiculousness that “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” has become, we got one memorable moment of true reality in Sunday night’s episode: when Caroline Manzo predicted that if Joe Giudice winds up going to jail (on a fraudulently-obtained driver’s license charge), Teresa will pick herself up by her boot straps, forge a new life for herself and the girls, divorce Juicy Joe — and write a book.
Caroline, mind you, did not mention any names when she presented this scenario, but it was clear that she was talking about the Giudices. So clear that on Andy Cohen’s “Watch What Happens Live” after the show, she was asked about this comment. Caroline said she stood by what she said. Not that she has any inside information, she added. What we’re watching on “RHONJ” now was filmed almost a year ago, and Caroline has no idea what Teresa is up to now.
It does seem like there may be trouble in Teresa’s gilded Montville paradise.
Actually, it has long seemed like there was trouble, but the cameras just never picked it up. In last night’s episode, however, one of the Giudice girls says that Daddy was sleeping in “his” room. And while Teresa and Joe are driving up to Brotherhood Winery to forge a deal on her Fabellini brand, she asks if he ever found his lost wallet. Yes, he says, it was in a friend’s car. “Which friend?” she asks repeatedly. He never answers. (Two points here: I’ve tried, and liked, both flavors of Fabellini. And just a few months ago, at an event in Manhattan, I saw Joe and Teresa and they were very much together.)
Another ill portent in the episode: While the Giudices are at Brotherhood discussing Fabellini, and which “ingredientses” Teresa has been researching, Teresa basically shushes her husband, something she does not normally do. She makes it clear that this is her deal, not his, and later tells the camera, “Those people were looking at me like, ‘Would you shut your freaking husband up?’”
The Fabellini story line included the episode’s other most controversial comment. Teresa took a swipe at Bethenny Frankel’s wildly successful cocktail line, saying, “Skinnygirl tastes diet-y.” Ouch. You can bet that legions of Frankelites have been buzzing about that one.
The rest of the episode was a series of promotional plugs for whatever the housewives (or their husbands and children) are working on (or were, at least, as of last fall). The young guys are goofing around too much for Laurita, who says that everything’s on the line for him here, since his apparel business was “forced into bankruptcy” in the bad economy.
Chris Laurita, nephews Albie and Christopher Manzo and their roommate Greg Bennett, head to Washington D.C. for the Fancy Food Show, where they have a booth to promote their BLK water. Greg gets Patti LaBelle to try the water, which is literally black. Jacqueline is along for the ride, and Caroline and Albert Manzo are there to plug their Brownstone sauce.
Back in Gorga-ville, Melissa’s prepping for Beatstock, and the couple has a meeting with singer/songwriter Corte Ellis. Melissa makes this curious comment: “Everything is for sale when it comes to Joe Gorga. His house is for sale. His wife is for sale.”
Later, Joe G. makes this obnoxious comment: “A record label doesn’t have to own Melissa. I own her.”
When the Gorgas are not discussing her career, Joe is badgering his wife for sex. If I hear one more reference to him bringing out “Tarzan” or releasing his “poison,” I’m gonna have to hire some flying monkeys to pay him a visit. Enough already. We get that you like to have sex with your wife, Joe. We do not want to see or hear anything more about that.
(I’d written this whole post and in re-reading it, I realized that I never actually said anything about Beatstock. Yes, it was THAT memorable. So, here goes. Melissa sang and danced, and in a separate performance, Gia Giudice danced. Neither embarrassed herself.)
In other self-promotion news, Lauren Manzo and her mom are looking at the Franklin Lakes storefront where Chateau used to be. (Chateau moved across town.) This spot, in the complex that houses The Market Basket, is, in fact, where Lauren did open Cafface, which they describe here as ”like a Sephora, with services.” Auntie Jacqueline, a licensed cosmetologist, we’re reminded, later goes with Lauren to a lunch with prospective suppliers. (Jacqueline orders a Screaming Orgasm, and after a few sips, starts talking about decorating her private parts with rhinestones. She later conveys the message through Cohen, on “Live,” that she was only kidding. “I’ve never vajazzled.”)
We also follow Teresa to a book signing, where Kathy and Rich Wakile show up. Kathy flips through the book and says, “Oh, my mother’s pizzellis.” Four little loaded words that you just know will lead to war. Teresa tells the camera, “I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about.That was a cheap, passive-aggressive shot.” And sure enough, coming attractions show a confrontation over the remark, which suggests that Teresa borrowed someone else’s recipe. (Frankly, I was just impressed that Teresa knew the term “passive aggressive” and could use it correctly in a sentence.)
Kathy, meanwhile, has a tasting event for her potential new dessert line. She holds it at Gelotti Ice Cream, in their old Paterson neighborhood. Everybody who’s anybody in “Housewives” is there: Caroline and Lauren, Jacqueline, Melissa and, of course, Teresa, who brings along a new friend, Linda, who Jacqueline notes, will always go to war for Teresa, who would “rather have soldiers than a friend.” And yet, Teresa and Jacqueline call a tentative truce.
A representive of Bindi, a high-end dessert service based in Totowa, pays a visit and seems to be impressed with what he samples.
In the episode’s most ridiculous story line, Chris Laurita invites all the other “Housewives” husbands to his house to talk about the upcoming RV trip through Napa Valley, where they’ll be touring Levendi Wines (another promotional tie-in). His supposed thinking: With the estrangement going on with the women, it falls to the men to make sure that this trip is peaceful. Give this a moment to sink in. These men will be the peacekeepers. Does anyone remember the christening party that turned into a donnybrook, with the two Joes having a fist fight?
To his credit, Al Manzo says he’s not going to the meeting. Essentially, he says that no good can come of talking to Joe Giudice.
Juicy, in fact, is late coming to the meeting, so the other guys get to talk about him before he arrives. Chris says that he started to hear rumors around town that Joe was talking about him. “My financial issues are none of his business,” says Chris.
This “around town” business is a bit puzzling, since Chris lives in Franklin Lakes and Joe lives in Montville. But let’s not get hung up on that.
Chris, Rich and Joe Gorga also talk about when they lost their virginity.
And then, Joe Giudice arrives. He is dropped off by his driver, Eugene. (Remember, Joe lost his license.)
When the talk turns to who’ll share RVs in California, Joe Gorga says to Joe Giudice, “You mind coming with me?” The ever-gracious Juicy says, “What choice do I got?”
Things go from bad to worse, and before too long, Juicy reveals the real reason why he doesn’t like his brother-in-law: “I would give you tools. You never give them back.”
Tools. Masonry tools. A family pulled asunder because of chisels and trowels.
Rich, addressing Juicy’s know-it-all attitude, says, “Hey, you were flipping pizza six months ago.” Actually, he wasn’t. Earlier in the episode, when someone asked if he still had the pizzeria, Juicy said, “No. I was never there.”
Apparently, we’ll see at least some of that Napa trip in next week’s episode.
On “Watch What Happens Live,” Cohen’s guests were Meghan McCain and Caroline Manzo. When the latter was asked about the status of her relationship with sister Dina, Caroline said it was “status quo.” Cohen asked what that meant and Caroline said, “None of your business. I don’t sell my family.”
How refreshing to know that on “RHONJ” there’s at least one thing that isn’t for sale.