At the tail end of last August, most of us were worrying about downed trees, lost power or flooded basements. But “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” gang had a different problem: How were they gonna get to Napa, Calif.?
We see Matt Lauer and Chris Christie, in news clips, warning everybody to take shelter, but the Gorgas, Giudices and Wakiles (sans kids) and the Manzos (the entire gang, plus Greg and Lauren’s boyfriend Vito) decide to drive to Pittsburgh, fly from there to Houston, then catch a flight to San Francisco, where they’ll pick up RVs and drive to the Half Moon Bay campsite. Kathy Wakile likens their 23-hour journey to the treks the pioneers made.
But pioneer women never wore the kind of outfits that these housewives sport. Dressed especially inappropriately for camping is Teresa, in electric-blue high-heeled mules with fringe.
“At least they look Aztec-y,” she says. “We’re going to a Native American place, aren’t we?” Oh, where to even begin?
After picking up the RVs, they head to a store to buy supplies — a scene that drives home just how addicted to shopping these folks are. They run through the store grabbing everything — vocabulary-mangling Teresa even gets a Scrabble, which just shows the folly of it all — and Rich Wakile, who shows himself to be less classy with each episode, asks his wife in a loud voice, “How about those ass wipes?”
Someone’s receipt — I’m not sure which family it belonged to and I just couldn’t bring myself to replay the scene –showed a total of $4262 and change. For camping supplies.
This may be the raunchiest, most juvenile group of people ever to regularly appear on TV. (I exempt Al Manzo from this comment, because, while he was technically on the trip, he didn’t seem to be taking part in any of the craziness and, in fact, when I did glimpse him, he was either sleeping or had his eyes closed to block it all out. )
On the way to Pittsburgh, Joe Gorga and Joe Giudice were seen peeing on the side of a road. In the RV, some of them watched video of a bull and cow having sex. Later, Teresa wailed, “Oh, my God, my stomach’s killing me,” and her husband passed along the information that she was having a “s— attack.” Teresa then came out of the vehicle’s bathroom and announced, “I didn’t want to poop in the RV.”
Naturally, Joe Gorga whipped out “Tarzan.” And Rich Wakile, who woke up aroused , pranced around his RV with the front part of his boxer shorts digitized. (Thank you, Bravo, for sparing us that sight.)
The campsite at Half Moon Bay, many of them griped, was nothing more than a parking lot. Melissa suggested that she and Teresa say hello to the neighbors and Teresa balked. Why should she do that when she doesn’t even know her neighbors back in Montville?
Some other mildly interesting quotes, developments or random observations in this episode:
. Before they take off, Albie Manzo asks girlfriend Lindsey if she wants to livewith him.
. Melissa says something to Rich that many viewers have been thinkin: “I’ve never seen you do a moment of work.”
. Why does Rich wear the collars of his shirts turned up?
. Teresa confronts Kathy about the comments she made about her mom’s recipes being in Teresa’s latest cookbook.
. Teresa says with a straight face, “I don’t hold grudges.”
Later, on “Watch What Happens Live,” Andy Cohen suggested that the Napa adventure will play out over “a few” episodes. As if he were delivering good news.
Teresa and “Mob Wives” star Renee Graziano were guests on Cohen’s after-show. When he asked what Teresa thought about Caroline Manzo’s comment about Teresa’s marriage on last week’s show, Teresa said it was ‘really brave of her to talk.” She went on to say that Caroline “has skeletons in her closet,” and “who is she to talk about my marriage?”
When Cohen asked about Juicy’s court case, Teresa said she could not talk about it, because it’s a “legal” matter. Today, Joe Giudice chose to stand trial on charges he obtained a phony driver’s license using his brother’s identification — an offense that’s punishable by up to 10 years in prison — rather than accept a plea bargain that would have sent him to prison for five years.
In last night’s “RHONJ,” when Joe Gorga seemed to be having trouble navigating the hairpin turns of the Pacific Coast Highway, a seemingly serious Juicy offered to take the wheel. In the background, Melissa could be heard pointing out that he doesn’t have a license.
Gotta wonder what’s going on between the ears of quite a few characters on this show.
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